The End is A New Beginning

Okay so yeah, I have resigned from my job.

So yeah, I am feeling low because I am suddenly without a pay check.

So yeah, being financially dependent is a horrible feeling.

So..what? I guess that’s what you must be saying.

I don’t blame you. I would say that to me too. In fact, I actually did.

So what if you lose your job, Liz?

So what if being financially dependent on DaHubster does horrible things to your confidence?

So what, Liz???

The hard truth is – no one cares about my feelings.

What they want to see is what am I going to do NEXT.

How I choose to steer my ship from now on is crucial.

It’s not about proving to other people but it’s really for me.

I know my capabilities but it’s whether I am brave enough to embark on that journey.

It’s about whether I will get out there and achieve my goals or will I just sit back and continue being depressed about my current situation.

I know for sure that the journey from this day on will get even more challenging.

Simply because I did not have a plan. I am the kind of person who has a backup plan for my backup plan.

When I made the decision to resign few weeks back, I had no backup plans. I  did not have a job to fall back on. I had nothing.

But 1 thing’s for sure, I was not going to stay down. And so I wiped the dust off my shoulders and am getting up again.

I have written down my thoughts and recognized my goals.

But I plan to start small.

Let’s start with baby steps.
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So if there is anyone else out there who is going through the same situation, let’s all motivate one another.

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A Change Would Do You Good

I shall not go into detail about what exactly happened but I have recently resigned from my job after 8 years.

I grew up there (ie: my previous workplace).

When I was working there, I met DaHubster, I got married, I had both my children.

There were so many memories and friendships and that is why it made me even more emotional when I had to say goodbye.

But the scariest thought was that now I do not have my own salary anymore.

Yup, after more than a decade of earning my own income, I will now have to depend on DaHubster – financially.

And so, I allowed myself to grief for 2 whole days.

For 2 whole days, I cried and cried. I cried whenever I talked about anything relating to work (or what I used to have), family, life or anything. For 2 whole days, I was a crybaby.

But on the 7th of June 2014 at 4.30pm, I made the decision to stop crying. That was the end of my grieving moment.

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I have cried countless tears. I have also given myself time to indulge in the sadness and to truly grieve for what happened. I believe that I have truly embraced this huge change in my life and frankly, there is no use crying over spilt milk.

So now, the only way to go is UP.

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The only question now is – What’s my next step?

My Hijab – My Life, My Choice

I have always toyed with the idea of donning the hijab.

But for some reason, I have never been brave enough to follow through.

I would come up with a million and one excuses as to when that day will come.

But it has now been almost 2 months (or is it 3?) since I made the decision to “just do it“.

Any attempt to bring oneself closer to The Creator is bound to meet with challenges.

Challenges may come in many forms. The people around you can be a form of challenge as well.

But I have been lucky. Those around me has been nothing but super supportive of my decision.

I believe it’s greatly because I have always been surrounded by people who bring me closer to HIM.

I had friends who did some wild stuff but they have never tempted me to join in. Thanks to Mak’s constant dua for me.

The most common question was “Why?”

Simple – The Almighty, my kids and DaHubster.

I have always thought I will be donning the hijab at say 40+ years old.

But one day, it got me thinking – What if I never make it to 40?

How then?

I guess as you age, the idea of returning back to Your Creator becomes more of a reality than when you were 21 years old.

I want my children to know that donning the hijab is not a “death sentence”. It is a “door opener“.

It opens the doors of your heart to goodness.

When you’re constantly trying to do good things (because of your fear in HIM), life just gets better. Because when you change your focus into pleasing The Almighty, you will do good naturally.

You will naturally be more patient, loving and will treat your children and husband better.

Of course, there are days when I feel like tearing my hair out. That’s normal. I mean, after all I am still human.

But when life gets me down, I get back up faster because of my increased faith in HIM. I know that HE will never forsake me.

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I had a question from a non-Muslim friend who asked me, ” So now that you no longer can be sexy, what if your husband leaves you?”

We seek refuge in The Almighty.

That question made me laugh. I do not know what my fate will be but I am constantly praying for the best.

Nobody wishes for one’s spouse to leave  your side. Marriage should be forever – even when the wife is no longer pretty or sexy or slim. You marry her for her heart and not her physical assets.

But wouldn’t any man feel honoured knowing that he is the only man in the whole entire universe who is privileged enough to be with her? He is the only man who “has access” to her beauty, her sexiness, her everything.

Wouldn’t any man feel assured that should he be away for whatever reason and the wife is left in charge, she will do her utmost best to keep uphold their marriage and his reputation and refrain from committing any wrongdoings with other men?

For me, the hijab is like a reminder to myself that HE is always watching.

So if I decide to do or say anything outrageous, the hijab reminds me to reflect on whether what I am about to do is the right thing – whether it will be approved by HIM.

So if there are any Muslimahs out there who are contemplating on whether you should don the hijab, I say JUST DO IT. 

Do it and place your future in HIS hands because HE will always be there for you – especially if you’re bringing yourself closer to HIM.

Of course, there will always be people who will have some negative comment to share but I say, let them.

What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. d;D

What About Me?

When I officially became a mother of 2 kids, the last thing I expected to feel was GUILT.

I feel guilty when I nurse Erinna.

I feel guilty because I am playing with my girls and neglecting DaHubster.

I feel guilty when I “hang out” with Erinna while Fayrah is in daycare.

I feel “guilty” because all I do is talk about the girls when DaHubster and I are on a date.

I feel guilty because when I nurse Erinna side-lying on the bed, my back is to Fayrah.

I feel guilty because I worry that Erinna is alone in the bedroom while I go have a sip in the kitchen.

I feel guilty that I (sometimes) feel annoyed that I have to attend to my children, which means that I can’t go and do my own stuff.

I feel guilty just talking about Erinna and not about Fayrah.

I feel guilty when I set out to do my own things and left DaHubster to play with the girls.

Gosh, I feel guilty about EVERYTHING!

There is this feeling that I need to be there for everyone and it is driving me nuts!

I know what you’re thinking – it’s all in your head, Liz.

You’re right. It probably is.

No one has ever complained about me not making time for them – except me!

I complained to myself that I haven’t made time to be with my girls and DaHubster. Does that make sense?

Sighs.

At this very moment, I wish I could cut myself up into 3 pieces just so all of them gets a piece of me.

But what about yourself, you ask?

You know what, I asked myself that same question everyday.

If I am constantly giving parts of me to others (though I love them to death), what am I giving to myself?

Beach Girls

When I was growing up, my siblings and I found joy in simple and non-expensive things.

We didn’t have a room full of toys because Bapa was the sole breadwinner of the family.

But there was one family activity that we absolutely adore – it was going to the beach.

We loved it so much that we needed to be dragged out of the water, most of the time.

I also remember eating Mak’s nasi lemak which tasted 100 times better at the beach.

Obviously, it didn’t matter that we were wet and sticky and had sand on parts of our body you don’t even want to know.

What mattered was that we were hungry and the warm and spicy sambal tumis udang eaten with fried chicken wing and creamy nasi lemak was heavenly.

So now as a parent, I want my children to grow up experiencing as much of that as possible.

So I organised an impromptu family picnic to East Coast Beach.

Other than to relive the good old memories of my childhood, the picnic was also to (hopefully) get Fayrah to be less afraid of being in the sea.

Yup, secret’s out.

My darling bambino is afraid of seawater – particularly because of the waves.

Heheh…you should have seen her. It was so funny.

Everyone was just throwing ideas on how to get her to the water but Fayrah, being the determined little one that she is, she wouldn’t budge.

Hahaha…it was a real laugh.

After a while, we gave up trying.

I figured she will grow out of her fears and get into the water in her own time.

But she loved the sand.

Oh boy, does she loved the sand.

It was waaaaaay past her naptime and it was obvious that she was very sleepy but she insisted on building sand castles.

Wonder where she gets her stubbornness from…Hmmm..

Nonetheless, I was so glad that the picnic happened because we all had so much fun especially the kids.

Best part of all was that Fayrah had fun – without any expensive toys or gadgets.

How do I know that?

Because we drove past East Coast Beach yesterday and she asked, “Ibu, go beach okay?”

Alhamdullillah.

Breastfeeding Takes Practice

Breastfeeding is a natural decision.

Many women have their own set of beliefs and feelings about whether or not they want to do it.

Personally, I feel that breastfeeding is the natural way to feed your child and hence, the wonderful health benefits for both mother and baby.

But contrary to my initial beliefs, it doesn’t quite come naturally – at least for me.

The very first time I tried to breastfeed Fayrah was so awkward for me.

That coupled with the mistake I made, it was no wonder she rejected my breasts despite numerous attempts and hence deterred my breastfeeding dream.

Now, almost 3 years later, equipped with all the information I have read and videos I have watched, I thought I would have my “Awwww…” moment where I will be smiling while nursing Erinna.

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Well, I thought wrong. I didn’t have my “Awwww…” moment.

It didn’t come naturally either.

It was awkward and painful.

I wasn’t sure how to carry Erinna (Being busty didn’t help either).

Though I read about all the different breastfeeding positions and even practiced with a baby doll, for some reason, I just couldn’t do it when it comes to the real deal.

There were so many questions that went through my mind during each feed.

Is she breathing?

Am I suffocating her?

Is she getting the milk?

Or is it just air that she is sucking?

Is there enough milk?

To make things worse, I had really horrible cramps.

It was due to my uterus contracting, which is a great sign but boy, does it hurt.

It didn’t help either that my you-know-where hurt after the vaginal birth.

So I was basically in pain (a lot of pain) but still determined to make sure Erinna gets as much of the colostrum as possible.

Currently, I am facing with a new challenge – bleeding nipple.

O.M.G!

It is so painful!

A friend recommended nipple cream but I wasn’t comfortable with Erinna sucking on the area that had some “foreign contaminant”.

Yeah, I know there are organic ones but I was still not comfortable with it.

So I was relieved when another friend mentioned breast milk as the best source of antidote for nipple bleeding.

I still have it but it seems to be getting better ( I hope!)

But I can’t deny how painful it is to breastfeed with a bleeding nipple.

It’s so painful that I cried the other day.

I nearly wanted to give up!

For a second, I felt like breastfeeding was too much for me – the pain of the nipple bleeding, uterus contracting, vaginal tear, engorged breasts, lethargy, hungry all the time, the tummy wrap that was restricting my movements, etc.

Everything seems to make me frustrated until I see this face.

CAM00481[1]I thank The Almighty for her.

Everything else – from pregnancy to labour to childbirth – actually went well for me.

Alhamdullillah.

I am very grateful for all HIS Blessings.

Something as precious as breastfeeding will definitely take a lot of effort.

And I am not about to give up.

I have waited a long time to have this priceless experience.

Giving up now will mean that I will regret later.

Regret not persevering this journey and giving the best of me to my 2nd born.

But honestly, breastfeeding takes practice.

It may come naturally to some mothers but not for me.

1 month on and I am still finding the best position during each feed.

Latest Addition to the Pack

Presenting…

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Erinna – my 2nd born.

Alhamdullillah.

I am just so thankful that she is safe in my arms – like finally!

Don’t get me wrong.

I absolutely loved being pregnant.

It’s just that my pregnancy experience this time round was very different and rather challenging.

There weren’t any pregnancy complications but it was more of the stress from the trials and tribulations that surrounded it.

As compared to when I was carrying Fayrah, I have to admit that I was constantly so moody during my second pregnancy.

I was emotional, hormonal and anal.

But whatever that happened during that 9 months, I am just glad that Erinna is safe and sound and most importantly, in my arms now.

I surely do love that “baby smell’.

When I reminded DaHubster (while I was still pregnant) of the sleepless nights and crying that’s to come, he replied, “We will get through it together. It will all be worth it in the end. In sha ALLAH.”

Awwww….shweeet!